Fat People Problems | Life For Sale

Fat People Problems | Life For Sale

December 3, 2019 100 By Luis Garrison


>>TELL YOUR DADDY HOW YOU WANNA F— ME? BIG BEN, LITTLE BEN, YOU ALL WANNA F— ME? YOU GO F— YOURSELVES! ♪ ♪>>HEY BEN, WE’RE HERE. BEN. WE’RE HERE.>>BEN MALLAH: WHERE ARE WE?>>MEN’S WEARHOUSE.>>WHY DO YOU NEED A SUIT?>>BEN: YOUR FUNERAL. IT’S EITHER HERE OR I HAVE TO GO TO A TENT MAKER. I CAME IN HERE FOR THE ‘BUY ONE GET ONE FREE’. I DIDN’T GET S— FOR FREE. “OH I’M SORRY, THIS DOESN’T COVER YOUR SIZE.” WHY NOT? I’M BUYING BIGGER STUFF. I SHOULD GET MORE S— FOR FREE. LET’S GO TO THE DRESSING ROOM AND TRY ON THE CLOTHES. THESE ARE THE NEW COLOR SOCKS FOR ALL YOU YOUTUBERS. YOUTUBE PURPLE. THIS IS WHAT FRANK CHIVAS WORE TO THE LAST AFFAIR WE HAD. I KNOW HE WORE THESE, THE BLACK ONES. THIS IS WHAT FRANK CHIVAS WORE WITH HIS TUXEDO. ♪>BEN: HEY, ALL OF THESE SHIRTS?>>BEN, YOU NEEDED A TUX SHIRT AND YOU ALWAYS SAID THE ISSUE IS THEY’RE NEVER LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU.>>BEN: WHERE THE HELL ARE THE BUTTONS AT?>>BUTTONS?>>BEN: I BOUGHT A SUIT THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT?>>YOU DID. YOU CHOSE IT.>>BEN: WHAT THE F— WAS I STONED THAT DAY?>>I DON’T KNOW.>>BEN: IS HE KIDDING ME? NEW YORK.>>THAT FITS.>>BEN: THIS SHIRT IS HALF THE SIZE IT SHOULD BE. THE BELLY’S TOO BIG. I AIN’T SHORTENING THE BELLY. MAKE THE SHIRT BIGGER. IT’S TOO TIGHT UP HERE. I GOT BIGGER TITS THAN MY WIFE. I WOULD NOT GO ANYWHERE WITH THIS SHIRT. THIS IS NOT… THAT’S THE PROBLEM WITH SHOPPING HERE. IT’S NOT LIKE A BIG
AND TALL STORE.>>NO.>>BEN: YOU GUYS TRY AND SELL BIG AND TALL SIZES BUT IT’S NOT A BIG AND TALL STORE.>>WE CAN ACCOMMODATE BIG AND TALL.>>BEN: THIS IS CHINESE BIG AND TALL.>>TRY IT ON WITH THE PANTS.>>BEN: I CAN’T F—ING BUTTON THE NECK. LOOK AT THIS. COME ON.>>’CAUSE YOU’RE TRYING TO BUTTON THE WRONG BUTTON.>>BEN: AND IT DON’T EVEN HAVE THE EXTENSION ON IT. I KNEW THIS PLACE WAS GONNA RIP ME OFF. I KNEW IT. I SAID TO MYSELF I’M GOING TO COME HERE AND TRY AND BUY CLOTHES LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE, IT AIN’T GONNA WORK. I BELONG IN A BIG
AND TALL STORE. IT DON’T EVEN BUTTON. YOU’RE USED TO THE
REGULAR PEOPLE.>>PUT YOUR HEAD UP. YEAH. BECAUSE OF YOUR SHOULDERS.>>BEN: I GOT BIG SHOULDERS. I GOT BIG BREASTS. I’M SORRY, IT’S THE
WAY I’M BUILT.>>IT WAS BASED OFF OF YOUR MEASUREMENTS.>>BEN: YEAH, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO MEASURE A FAT PERSON. I MEAN, WE GOT A PROBLEM HERE.>>OKAY. WELL LET’S GET YOU SET. FIRST OFF LET’S TAKE YOUR OTHER SUITS BECAUSE THAT’S THE BIG ISSUE AND THEN WE’LL WORK ON THE SHIRTS.>>BEN: THIS CAN’T BE A 22 NECK.>>DO ME A FAVOR, AT LEAST THROW THE PANTS ON. ♪>>BEN: YOU KNOW, IT’S MY OWN FAULT.>>WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE PANTS?>>BEN: I FEEL LIKE I’M READY TO GO TO THE CIRCUS. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I CAN’T EVEN BUTTON THE NECK. YOU SHOULD’VE STAYED WORKING AT ADVANCE AUTO PARTS. I DON’T SEE HOW YOU WENT FROM AUTO PARTS TO MEN’S SUITS. LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS THE WAY YOU ORDER PEOPLE’S SUITS? THIS IS AN UGLY SUIT. WHY WOULD YOU PICK
THIS SUIT OUT? I LOOK LIKE A F—ING GIANT BLUEBERRY IN THIS THING. I FEEL SO FAT IN THIS STUFF. I LOOK TOO SKINNY. ♪>>FOURTEENS. THESE ARE THE ONLY FOURTEENS THAT I’VE GOT.>>BEN: OH MY GOD. GOOD THING I GOT BIG TOENAILS TO KEEP ME BALANCED. ALL RIGHT. THIS JACKET ACTUALLY LOOKS…. I THINK IT LOOKS ALL RIGHT.>>THAT’S THE TUX. YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU HAD A PROBLEM GETTING TUXES.>>BEN: I DON’T KNOW. DOES THIS JACKET LOOK LIKE IT FITS OR WHAT?>>YEAH. IT LOOKS GREAT ACTUALLY. THAT FITS YOU GREAT ACTUALLY. THAT FITS YOU A LOT BETTER THAN THE OTHER ONE.>>BEN: THIS IS THE FIRST TUXEDO I’VE EVER OWNED. I ALWAYS RENTED THEM.>>I KNOW.>>BEN: IN FACT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO WAS, I WASN’T GONNA BRING IT BACK. I WAS JUST GONNA KEEP THE RENTAL AND SAY “HEY, SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY CAR AND STOLE THE SUIT. HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT?” IT WOULD’VE BEEN CHEAPER. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU LOSE?>>THIRTY.>>BEN: THAT’S IT? I COULD DROP THIRTY POUNDS, EVERY DAY MY WEIGHT FLUCTUATES BY THIRTY POUNDS DEPENDING ON WHAT I HAD FOR DINNER.>>I WAS IN THE ARMY.>>BEN: I WAS IN THE ARMY.>>YEAH?>>BEN: WHAT WAS YOUR….>>MOS?>>BEN: MOS.>>15 WHISKEY. UAV OPERATOR. I TORE MY ACL FOR THE SECOND TIME GOING THROUGH RANGER ASSESSMENT.>>BEN: I WAS 71 NOVEMBER.>>IS THAT A PENCIL PUSHER?>>BEN: TRAFFIC MANAGEMENT COORDINATOR.>>YOU WERE A TRAFFIC COP.>>BEN: RANGERS ARE NORMALLY PEOPLE ON THE GROUND
IN THE FOREST>>BECAUSE THE PANSY RANGERS DON’T JUMP OUT OF PLANES. THEY’RE NOT AIRBORNE.>>BEN: I TRIED TO GO AIRBORNE BUT I COULDN’T GET A PARACHUTE TO FIT ME.>>I THOUGHT THE PLANE WOULDN’T TAKE OFF.>>BEN: I NEEDED TWO PARACHUTES. ONE IN THE FRONT AND ONE IN THE BACK.>>OPERATION DUMBO DROP.>>BEN: FAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT GO TO REGULAR STORES BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY CAN HELP YOU BUT THEY’RE REALLY NOT EXPERIENCED IN HELPING YOU. YOU GOTTA GET IN
WHERE YOU FIT IN. YOU KNOW. AND IF YOU’RE FAT GO TO THE FAT STORE. BECAUSE THEY GOT WHAT YOU NEED. AND TRYING TO GET IN WITH THESE SKINNY FOLKS
IT DON’T WORK. THEY JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE FAT. YOU KNOW. SO MY MISTAKE. I KEEP THINKING “OH I CAN BE REGULAR. I CAN BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.” YOU CAN’T. YOU’RE FAT. REALIZE THAT.>>YOUR STANDARD PEAK LAPEL. AND THEN YOU’VE GOT THE DOUBLE-BREASTED ONE THERE. AND THEN THE SAME THING WITH THE BLUE.>>BEN: YOU SHOULD SELL CARS. ALL RIGHT. YOU GOT ME.>>I DIDN’T GET YOU, BEN. YOU CHOSE ALL THIS.>>JUST GOTTA FIND A CURTAIN BIG ENOUGH.>>BEN: ADIOS AMIGO. THANKS A LOT. I GOT MY SUIT, EVEN THOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A CARTOON. I’M HEADED HOME TO GET BACK TO WORK. VINCENT HAS WON THE TENANT COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH AWARD. IT IS A TENANT CALLING
IN A COMPLAINT. YOU’VE REACHED EQUITY MANAGEMENT. NO ONE IS AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW BUT YOUR CALL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR MESSAGE AT THE SOUND OF THE TONE. (BEEP)>>HELLO, BEN. THIS IS (BEEP) MAGGIO. M-A-G-G-I-O. APARTMENT 201 BUILDING 1105. FIRST OF ALL THERE’S AN ELECTRICAL SHORTAGE NEXT TO MY REFRIGERATOR. IT’S A SOCKET. AND THEN WHATEVER,BENJI, WHATEVER HIS NAME IS TOLD ME NEVER PLUG IN THAT
ELECTRIC SOCKET. OKAY DEAR, WELL LET’S PLAY FAIR. TERRY BROKE THE LEASE. SHE GAVE ME A SEVEN DAY NOTICE. I SAW AN APARTMENT ON THIRD AVENUE ACROSS MCDONALD’S, OKAY. IT’S NO BIG DEAL FOR ME TO LIVE HERE. IT’S ACTUALLY TORTURE BECAUSE ALL YOUR JUNKIES LIVE HERE AND ALL YOUR PROSTITUTES LIVE HERE. SHE DID ME A FAVOR. I’LL GO TO JOAN RIVERS’ SERVICE TOMORROW THEN I’LL GO TO SECTION 8. I’LL HAND THAT IN AND WHEN IT’S NOT COLLECTED THEN SECTION 8 WILL THEN GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SCUMBAG BITCH TERRY AND SHE’LL HAVE TO GO TO SECTION 8 BECAUSE SHE’S BEEN F—ING UP CONTINUOUSLY. WELL WHEN I GET MY VOUCHER LIKE TERRY SAID TWO DAYS AGO, “YOU GET YOUR VOUCHER AND MOVE OUT.” SHE PREMEDITATED
TO F— ME OVER. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU ALL DID ME A FAVOR. ALL I HAVE TO CALL, WHAT IS IT, TWO MEN IN A TRUCK. THEY’RE JEWISH. OKAY. THEY’LL MOVE WHAT I WANT OUT OF THIS F—ING APARTMENT. YOU GOT THAT, MOTHERF—ER? SHE’S BEEN TORTURING MY ASS, THAT SONOFABITCH TERRY. YOU’RE DOING ME A FAVOR. I AIN’T PAYING NO F—ING RENT. YOU HEAR ME? I GOT A NOTICE, SEVEN DAYS MOVE OUT. YOU FAT F—ING KLINK. YOU SONOFABITCH. YOU’VE BEEN WHAT, SQUEEZING ME. OR THAT SONOFABITCH HAS BEEN SQUEEZING ME. NO BIG DEAL, FAT BOY. YOU HEAR ME? I’M HAPPY TO MOVE OUTTA THIS F—ING COCKROACH DEN WITH YOUR JUNKIES AND YOUR WHORES. I’LL MOVE TO THIRD AVENUE. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE DECENT PEOPLE MOTHERF—ER, NOT LIKE YOU. IS IT BAD LANGUAGE, VINCE? TELL YOUR DADDY HOW YOU WANNA F— ME. BIG BEN, LITTLE BEN, YOU ALL WANNA F— ME? YOU GO F— YOURSELVES! I AIN’T TAKING YOUR
F—ING S—.>>CALL BACK MY ASS. I’M GONNA CALL HER BACK. ♪