Howard Schultz’s 2020 Bid, a Facebook-WhatsApp Merger & Peace Talks in Afghanistan | The Daily Show

Howard Schultz’s 2020 Bid, a Facebook-WhatsApp Merger & Peace Talks in Afghanistan | The Daily Show

November 21, 2019 100 By Luis Garrison


There are now only 644 days until the 2020 presidential
election. And I don’t know about you guys,
but I’ve already set my DVR. Yeah. I even added an extra five
minutes in case it goes long. And this race was going to be
pretty simple, right? It was gonna be
the best Democrat running against Donald Trump. But now, someone has thrown
a grande wrench in the works. The 2020 presidential race right
now getting bigger by the day. A possible new contender. Former Starbucks CEO,
Howard Schultz, he says he’s considering a run. He would do it as
an Independent, taking on both the president
and the Democrats. TV REPORTER: Leading Democrats
are protesting, because they’re worried
Schultz could siphon votes from their nominee and help
the president win reelection. I am seriously thinking
of running for president. I will run as
a centrist Independent outside of the two-party system. Okay. I don’t know if this
is his plan or not, but after hearing him speak,
now I need a coffee. (mimics Schultz):
“This is my plan… to run…for… president.” (normal voice): Also,
his announcement sounds like a really complicated
Starbucks order, right? He’s like,
“a centrist Independent” It sounds like someone
would order that. “Can I get
a centrist independent “outside of
the two-party system? No foam, no foam.” So it would be
Mr. Pumpkin Spice Latte taking on an actual
pumpkin spice latte. Which is pretty cool. Will be interesting. (cheers and applause) Although,
although I will say this. If I was a Democrat,
I wouldn’t be worried about the Starbucks CEO
running against me, because you know
he’s probably gonna spell his name wrong
on the ballot, so… it’s not gonna work out. Speaking of billionaires
with nothing better to do than ruin everyone’s life,
Mark Zuckerberg… Yesterday, the Facebook CEO
announced that he is planning to combine Facebook
and Instagram with the messaging service,
WhatsApp, which is great news because
Facebook and Instagram get hacked all the time,
and WhatsApp never does. Yeah. So now people
who only use WhatsApp don’t have to feel
left out anymore. Yeah, this is…
This is such a junk idea. This is trash. The last thing anyone wants
is to mix those three worlds. Instagram is where you slide
into the DMs, all right? Facebook is for ignoring news
from your family. And WhatsApp is for when
you want to join ISIS. All right? They need to be
separate, totally separate. Otherwise,
we’re gonna get mixed up. I don’t want to send
a dick pic to my aunt, and I definitely don’t want
to send one to ISIS. Again. Moving on to international news. A major event was just announced
in Afghanistan. The United States and Taliban
have agreed in principal to a peace framework. TV REPORTER: The United States
is considering a full withdrawal of troops
in Afghanistan, and that would be in return
for a cease-fire and commitment by the Taliban
to keep Afghan territory from being used
as a staging ground for terrorist groups
like Al-Qaeda. TV REPORTER: This would be
the biggest step toward ending the nearly two-decade-long war
in Afghanistan to date. Damn. I… I had even forgotten there was still a war
in Afghanistan. I… I feel like we all stopped
watching after season nine. It was like… Yeah, it’s like
the Grey’s Anatomy of conflicts. It’s like, I get it, you know. But I am glad that there
could be an end in sight. It’s also funny how America has lowered its expectations
in Afghanistan, right? First, America was like,
“Afghanistan will be a fully-fledged democracy.” Then it was like, “Okay,
well, maybe not a democracy, but no more terrorism.” Now it’s just like, “Okay,
I’m just gonna close the door and you guys keep it down
in there, okay?”