Republican Governor of Kentucky Loses Reelection Bid to a Democrat

November 8, 2019 0 By Luis Garrison

-Matt Bevin, the Republican
governor of Kentucky, lost his re-election bid
to a Democrat yesterday, despite President Trump holding
a campaign rally on Monday in the state to support him. Wow, Trump has
the reverse Midas touch. Everything he touches
turns into second place. I’ll bet when he
picks up a diet Coke, it turns into a diet Pepsi. That’s right, the Republican
governor of Kentucky lost his re-election bid
to a Democrat yesterday, which is a big deal,
because governor is Kentucky’s
second-highest office. [ Laughter ] Senator Lindsey Graham
said today that President Trump’s policy
toward Ukraine was incoherent and called the administration “incapable of forming
a quid pro quo.” Ah, yes, the old “he couldn’t
have committed these crimes, he’s too stupid” defense. Lindsey Graham would make the
world’s cattiest defense lawyer. “Your honor, my client was at
home on the night in question. I know, because he is never
invited anywhere.” [ Laughter ] According to analysts,
the number of false news reports about U.S. politicians
being shared on Facebook may create a “Titanic-sized
disaster in the 2020 election.” Except, this time,
the berg isn’t ice. It’s Zucker. [ Laughter ] I judge your response as fair. [ Laughter ] Starbucks has released
their annual holiday cups with feature — which feature
four different designs, and you can arrange them to
reveal a fun holiday message. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Authorities in Florida
are looking for thieves who stole
a 300-pound bigfoot statue. Unfortunately, the only photo
they got was blurry. [ Laughter ] You’ll hear better jokes tonight but none of them
that I like more. Justin Bieber today released an
all-natural and vegan deodorant called Here + Now. Though, is this really the guy
to sell a deodorant? I mean,
I can smell this picture. [ Laughter ] That’s right. Justin Bieber today released an
all-natural and vegan deodorant called Here + Now,
as in, “Here, put this on. And now, you smell terrible.” [ Laughter ] And finally, Buckingham Palace
announced today that any new outfits
designed for Queen Elizabeth will not include real fur. Well, technically what they said
was, “We ran out of corgis.” [ Audience groans ]